Just A Thought

I’m pretty sure that I said I was scared you’d all of a sudden want to do things you missed out on when you were younger.

And you said you wouldn’t.

And yet, here you go, lying and doing shit you said you’d never do.

I question EVERYTHING.

Maybe There’s Just Too Much Stuff That I’m Not Willing to Admit

To you… to myself. I don’t know what’s that about.

There’s so much I want to say, but it always comes out wrong. That’s getting…. old. I know.

The excuses are getting old, so I guess I’ll just say it.

Here goes nothing….

"People put up walls for a reason. From time to time, the people around us pipe up. ‘You need to tear down that wall.’ I’m not one of those people. Sometimes, those walls are the only things holding you up."

It’s Over

I guess it’s been a long time coming. Why do I feel like I been here so many times before…?

I just don’t get how I can fuck up something so perfect. I mean, I guess I see exactly how it happened but I still don’t SEE how the fuck it happened. I’m reading it over and over again and I get exaxtly what he’s saying… I just hate how everything I do comes off as me “pushing him away” when that wasn’t how it was at all. But that’s just how the fuck I come off to people. I seem all shut off like I don’t want people to know me. Truth be told, I don’t think I do.

I’m ranting. I just need to get this off my chest. This is fucked up. You fuckin suck. Why do it seem like you knew you was gon do this shit two days ago? Cuz you fuckin did. You knew then we was gon break up so why the FUCK you aint just say something then? How you gon tell me I shouldn’t drag the fuckin relationships out if I didn’t want it, when that’s exactly what the fuck you did. Then you gon close it out with “I love you, and if this was under different circumstances, it coulda worked.” DIFFERENT CRCUMSTANCES MY ASS. DIDNT I TELL YOU THAT FROM THE JUMP. I SWEAR I WAS SAYIN THAT FROM THE BEGINNING. BUT BECAUSE NOW THAT’S HOW YOU FEEL, IT’S A VALID REASON TO BREAK UP. oh. ok. fair enough.

I’m just venting. I’m not mad at you at all. In the end, it is what it is. And it isn’t what it isn’t. And what it isn’t…is me and you. No more Bru. No more Brubru. That’s the fuckin part that sucks the most. Didn’t I tell you I wanted this forever?

Oh. I forgot. I don’t emote. I don’t tell you how I feel. That’s all in my head.

Now I’m just being snarky. That was completely unnecessary.

I wish I could just hate you. From the depths of my soul. I wish I could just replace every emotion I’ll ever feel in life… with hate…for you.

But. I can’t. Whichn is even worse than if I could.

Ugh. This blows.

But at least you can be happy now.

Good for you.

The Rekmas aka The Drifting

It’s a reference to a Teen Titan’s episode where Starfire explains that on Tamaran, the rekmas, or the drifting, is the point where old friends begin to drift apart and lose touch. I feel like this is what’s happening to my boyfriend and I.

Well actually, it started a while ago. When I moved away, to be exact. Communication in our relationship is on it’s way to being completely gone. We used to talk so much. We’d text each other all day and stay up all night on the phone while he was at work. Now, I’m lucky if I can get him to keep up a conversation with me for more than an hour. And as far as talking on the phone, once every two weeks, 2 hours at the most. Ever since this stupid move, he’s been noticeably different towards me. It’s like he thinks I wanted to leave. I didn’t. I don’t want to be here.

I honestly feel like I’m all alone in this whole thing. I’m in a place where I have no friends, no family, I don’t get out of the house much, Im stuck living with someone I don’t even half like… I thought that I’d at least have my boyfriend to talk and laugh with to take my mind off of things. Now it seems lile whenever we do talk, Im complaining. If we just talked more, it wouldn’t seem like that. It’d be one day of complaint, then like 5 or 6 days of shits and giggles. But now, I’m squeezing weeks worth of problems into one little two hour piece of conversation. I even told him, more than once, that we dont talk enough and it still hasnt made a difference. I didn’t think so much would change. Maybe I just wasn’t thinking at all.

I really don’t think he wants to do it anymore. I just don’t think that he sees it being worth it. I used to pride myself on being strong, but just thinking that it’s practically over shakes me to my very core. I don’t wanna lose him, but I don’t want him to stay in a situation where he’s not happy. And I just don’t think he’s happy anymore.

I Just Want Your Attention…

All of it. Every last bit of it. Just for a few hours. Not even a full 24. Just… 2. I’d even take one. Where the whole world melts away and it’s just me and you.

That’s all I want.

It’s Finally Catching Up To Me

And it doesn’t feel good. I’m tired of feeling bad. I have this… feeling. Or lack of a feeling. I guess I’m just tired of feeling empty. I keep filling it up with these…things and people that aren’t permanent and when they’re gone… that feeling… or lack thereof… comes back. And I don’t know what to do about it anymore. It just won’t go away. I don’t laugh or smile. I don’t even think I want to.

I just want to be okay.

And I’m not.

This Fuckin SUCKS

Why don’t you miss me as much as I miss you? How you gon say you love me when it just don’t feel like it? How we talked before and you said I was perfect for you…? Ain’t nothing changed since you said it, but suddenly I’m not? Why don’t you see what this is doing to me? We’re just supposed to be together. We’re supposed to figure it out together. So why arent we? Why do you think I asked so many times what WE were gonna do? Because I wanted us to have a plan. I wanted US to figure something out TOGETHER. WHY DONT YOU SEE THAT?

I have so many questions and NO answers.

Shut up Jaye. It’s been 4 days. Get over it.

Shit goes on that just ain’t right…

I hate long distance “relationships.”

I sometimes just get the urge to ask this nigga “who the FUCK are you?!” You don’t make the fuckin rules. And even if you do, I don’t have to abide by them. That’s bullllllshiiiiit.

When you want to know something and I don’t tell you, it’s a problem. We talk about how closed off I am and how we love each other and should share everything and I get guilted into talking about feelings. But if it’s you who doesn’t want to talk because you “don’t wanna argue” or for whatever other faux ass reason you offer up, then that’s acceptable. Actually, no it’s not. You can miss me wit that shit. Fuck outta here. It’s shit like that that just makes me wonder.

I Swear I Stared At My Phone All Day

Waiting for a text, phone call, IM, even a fuckin tweet.

Nothing. Not even a little nothing.

I currently hate my boyfriend. I don’t think Ive ever hated anyone more than I hate him right now.

I think I might actually fuckin cry right now.